A Little Rant, by Me

Since I'm assuming that most of you reading this will either one day marry or you're already married, this is a note to you. One day you might have children. Those children will grow up and get married too. This means you have become some poor defenseless girl or guy's new in-laws. They might love you. They might hate you. Either way, you WILL drive them nuts. It's inevitable. And the thing is, you'll be CLUELESS. You think you're giving good advice and little gems from your time as a young, poor newlywed. And you might be. But that doesn't mean that unsolicited advice is welcome. Here's some guidelines for you to remember:

1. If your son is a big guy and somehow (miraculously!) losing weight now that he's married (and out of your house, where apparently chocolate cake is an appropriate mid-morning snack), do not take this as a sign that he needs to pack on that lost 20 pounds. Step away from that turkey! Your son (AND your daughter-in-law) told you about FIVE TIMES that they're going to another Christmas dinner and cannot eat more than they have taken. Neither of them care how good the turkey is if they don't want it. And it's REALLY annoying when you start preparing a plate for them anyway. Do you even listen?

2. If your new daughter-in-law decides to be nice (unusual for her) and invites all of her in-laws (that's you) over for her very first Thanksgiving dinner and asks you to bring rolls and salad... bring rolls and salad! No chicken, no ham, no 3 varieties of potatoes, no 5 pies, no 3 extra varieties of salad and NO COOKIES. She understands that you think she might fail horribly, but that's when your cooking skills and whatever the freezer has in store comes into play. Before that, cease and desist. You have reduced her to mixing herself a gin and tonic. It might look like water... but no, no... it's alcohol. And it's because of you.

3. Stop nagging. You've had your time. Now it's your daughter-in-law's turn to nag your son (just kidding... sorta). He can hear you. You don't have to repeat yourself. He is no longer 5 and can understand what you're saying. Any more than two times becomes nagging and both he and his (for once) silent wife are screaming in their heads.

4. Understand that if your daughter-in-law is silently accepting your "well-informed advice" that she might really just be silently wishing that it was acceptable to walk out on her elders. She has her ways of cooking/keeping house/keeping finances and if they work, accept that. Advice is fine in moderation. But no patronizing tones, please. Keep it short, so that the torture is bearable.

5. DON'T CALL PAST TEN PM! And preferably, not past 9. You might think you're being helpful by informing your son that he got a parking ticket. But at 11 pm and on a Saturday, he really can't do anything about it until Monday. And the nagging again! He said ONCE that he didn't get a ticket and that should be enough. You don't need to ask another 3 times. All you have done is upset your son and ruined your daughter-in-law's evening. Even if she was only studying for finals, now she's writing angry blog entries instead of having a nice, calm evening.

Obviously, these are a bit precise. Feel free to structure these guidelines so that they apply to you and your future son or daughter-in-law. This post might be gone by tomorrow, so take these guidelines to heart in whatever way you deem necessary. Because even if I feel guilty and take them down, I still feel that way. And you can bet your son or daughter-in-law will too.

That said, I love my mother-in-law and realize that I'm lucky to get one that only drives me up the wall instead of making me want to physically hurt myself.